Thursday, September 15, 2005

Well yet another chapter of... "Make sure the people you love know that you love them." My sister in law Connie is dieing. I have been such an incredible ass because I could have gotten to know a really great person and instead I let stupid pride, embarassment and self involvement get in the way of that.

My sister in law and I had a disagreement a very long time ago. Either because of that disagreement or in spite of it, we were never very close after that. I have wasted too many years dealing with self involved things. Many of you will say, "Laura you did not. You have had alot of difficult things thrown your way and you had to deal with those." There was time. There was alot of time when I could have stopped by her house with a cup of coffee and said hello. I could have remembered her birthday. I could have brought the kids and my husband over there to play games or watch a movie. I could have gotten to know the woman that my brother and nephews love so very much. Listening to my nephew's and brother's stories tonight... it became bluntly clear to me that I missed out on something really great.

No matter what the disagreement was, she would have never refused me or my children a damn thing. She was one of the only two aunts my children have that ALWAYS remembered their birthday... and mine for that matter. Every year, no matter what.

So, for what it is worth...

To my brother Dave... I tell you so often lately, but I love you. You have been my hero my whole life. These past couple of weeks only serves to prove to me why. You once told me that I am one of the strongest people you know. I am not really. You are much stronger...and in so many ways much wiser. I am sorry. I am sorry for not getting to know your wife better. I am sorry that I was not more a part of your children's lives as they grew up. I am sorry for not being there for you every fucking day that you probably needed me these past couple of years, but were too proud or quiet or whatever to ask me. I should have been there. You should have never had to ask me to come over and talk. I am sorry that I did not call you when I needed you also. I promise you that I will be a better aunt and a better sister. I will not be a stranger any longer... and hopefully in time I will get to know you and your sons the way that I should have known them all along. I told you at Dad's service, this is not just fashion with me. I meant that. I have missed you so much and I should have never let missing you ever start.

To my nephews, Justin and Ben...I don't want to pull any punches with either of you. I have been an ass. I am sorry for all the missed birthdays. I am sorry for all the Christmases I didn't get the presents right. I am sorry for all of the times I have missed with both of you. I am sorry that I did not help you with your Mom the way I should have. I cannot undo what I have done or do now what I should have done before. I can attempt to get to know you and the women you love now better, the way I should have known your mom. I love you both very much. If you feel that having me more involved in your lives would be okay, nothing would make me happier. If you wish it to remain as it is, then I will also understand and I will love you just as much. I want you both to know that I am always here if you need me. If you just want to stop by for a beer or a cup of coffee and bitch about your dad or shoot the shit (post year 2000 "shoot the shit" = "hang", just in case you weren't sure), I am here. If you just want someone to make your favorite dessert because you haven't had it in a while, I will. Of course, I don't know what either of your favorite desserts are, but let me know and I'll figure the rest out. I don't want to sound like I am begging or like a black hole of emotional need. I simply want you both to know how much I love you and want to get to know who you are.
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"No matter how many communes anybody invents, the family always creeps back." -Margaret Mead

"To put the world right in order, we must first put the nation in order; to put the nation in order, we must first put the family in order; to put the family in order, we must first cultivate our personal life; we must first set our hearts right." -Confucius

"On reflection, one of the things I needed to learn was to allow myself to love and be loved." - Isha McKenzie-Mavinga

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Mom out
@ |10:50 PM|